Is this how it starts??

Start again, become reacquainted  rebuild what has been torn down. How to begin? I don’t have a clear answer but my style is usually jump in feet first and pray I don’t land flat on my butt. No exception to this.

It was devotional time this morning, something I haven’t really relished with him for some time. Devotions are a time for intimacy, closeness to God and each other. Blah. It hasn’t been that way. I hear a lot of “Oh I think we’re doing good.” Or a quick “Let’s pray” after reading. Today was a let’s pray day.

I put my foot down, firmly. I was honest about not enjoying the devotionals and why. It was pretty easy for me since the devotional was about nourishing and cherishing your wife (I’m saying divine appointment, agree or not). He made a generic comment about the given definition of the word cherish. I jumped in, both feet. Time for honesty! After all how can we work on things if we aren’t honest with each other.

I explained that I didn’t feel nourished or cherished. I explained how he had become an unsafe person for me. I poured it all out, the way he assassinates me in an argument, the hostility I feel if I cry in front of him. I explained how these things made me feel and how it fed into my being critical, which I apologized for. The day before he had told me that I needed to make him feel like he had something to lose, rather than nothing to lose. I told him point blank, if you were willing to do what you did when you did have everything to lose, what was the point of my catering to him on this? Seriously? As long as I felt unsafe with him, as long as I couldn’t trust him, I would be in self protection mode. It’s called survival.

Did he get it? I hope so, he did apologize, he said he would work on things. I said I would work on things, especially the critical spirit. Will it happen overnight? Of course not, we will both probably need reminding and encouragement. Is it where to start? I think so.

Another Year

Another year older, and I don’t feel much wiser. What I feel is emotionally spent, exhausted and lost. What I see is two people who can’t seem to meet in any agreement, at odds with each other. The trust has been ripped to shreds, the friendship I had thought we built our relationship on seems non-existent.

I had thought he was my best friend. He held me when I cried, we laughed and we talked, I felt important and wanted him to feel that way as well. The years have taken their toll on that. Things have happened that make me question how well I really knew him when we got married. Some things I should have seen before, some took me by complete surprise. Still the trust and friendship have been chipped away at until I am no longer able to recognize the relationship I am in.

I don’t like to let him see me cry anymore, it seems to make him angry. I don’t share with him, there is a huge vulnerability in doing so, and it seems I have built a barrier to that. Self protection. I have become critical, a result of not feeling listened to, being unheard and seemingly unimportant.

It has not been a separation that happened overnight, it took time. It has not been completely unnecessary. Regardless of what you may believe, there are times when it is necessary to protect oneself. Yes, when I was paying more in overdraft fees than I was making, I took him off my checking account. Yes, when I first found porn I started checking the history more often. Yes, when I realized that I wasn’t a priority in communication I became less amicable. It wasn’t all for lack of trying!

I did try, I explained to him that what he saw as a balance when he checked with his card did not reflect what was out in bills. Repeatedly. I clearly wasn’t clear enough on the porn. Scoping the Skanky singles on Craigslist is not okay, bringing home movies or downloading X rated stuff is EQUALLY not okay. In fairness to me, he knew these were things I would not accept when we got married, and it really should have gone without further explanation. I talked to him about communication, we took every freakin marriage class we could.

It didn’t happen overnight, the unraveling of our friendship, the breaking down of our relationship. I am certain it won’t be repaired overnight. Clearly it won’t. I can’t just allow myself to be completely vulnerable again. I don’t know how, and that part of me that desires survival won’t let me.

He says he just wants the division to “stop”. But the division didn’t happen all at once, it isn’t just one thing. I have been completely torn down, and I am certain that I have done much of the same. That doesn’t go away on a wish. I don’t know how to make it go away, all I can think is we have to start completely over. How do you do that?? How do you get back to the place to start over?

I want it, I believe he wants a better relationship. But it requires vulnerability on my part, and work which he isn’t great with. How much more vulnerable do I have to be? I am not willing to lose all of myself only to be hurt. I have done that dysfunction enough. I have moved on enough to know that I can’t control him, to know that if I truly desire something I need to make it happen. Not that I wouldn’t welcome him making something nice happen, I have just learned that I can’t really depend on him for that and it is okay. At least I am okay with it, lately it seems to be bothering him.

I am exhausted, I can’t think. I am emotionally spent, I don’t want to feel anything for a moment. I know we are broken and in need of repair from the ground up. I feel unable. I probably am. God isn’t, but my mind isn’t quiet enough to hear him at this moment. Hopefully venting all this out will help.

So here’s to another year.

Being the replacement…

There is something a person with an addiction is looking for. Not just a thing. I know the developmental and psychological issues. I know that the porn and the buying ‘stuff’ all stem from an arrested development. I also know it is about instant gratification. I know that the porn/sex is gratifying in certain ways, it provides a dopamine drop that makes everything all better. Porn is easy because there is no responsibility, no connection.

Maybe it is not so easy to know this. Maybe it was easier to think he was just being an ass. But now I know when he just wants me to please him it is more than him being an ass, that no he isn’t looking at porn, but he is still all about getting his fix. But now I am it. You would think that is better right? It isn’t. It is hurtful, it is still him not dealing with the issue.

It is saying my needs don’t matter while saying he doesn’t have a problem. No, he doesn’t see it. And I am left feeling not only unsatisfied, but completely used. And that is what this sort of addiction issue does. It is destructive, demeaning.

He doesn’t see the problem. Even though he convinced me to ‘talk to him’. He didn’t see the problem. “I kiss you all day long.” “I give you affection all day long.” And that is true. He is working harder at making a connection during the day. Nothing deep, nothing intimate, but trying to make a connection. But that isn’t foreplay, and doesn’t count as sexual intimacy.

There isn’t even an attempt anymore to engage me there. Even if I initiate sex it is “Okay, get me started.” And excuse me?  I am the receptacle. It is destructive. It destroys my desire for him, for sexual intimacy that I once enjoyed. He says he doesn’t have a problem, still.

I find that interesting, because I see a problem and it has become much bigger. I see it spilling over into every area of our life, even while he is abstaining! And this is when his issues get hard for me to let go of. This is when his issues smack me right in the middle of my issues! This is when his issues become abusive.

Not abusive in the physical sense (well maybe), but abusive in the emotional sense. Yes, physical is involved, my body is being used. It is the emotional abuse that is worse. The feeling of being used, the feeling of not mattering, the feeling of hurt when you realize you just replaced Debbie double D and then been put away much like her DVD.

I realize there have been times that I may have played into this. Giving in when I wasn’t in the mood, just letting him take what he wants to keep things smooth, And there are times that I know we just need sex, I am okay with that. I am not okay with not mattering at all in it and that seems to be where it is coming to.

The problem is I don’t know exactly where I  go from here. He says our problem is ‘our attitudes.’ That we (read me) are focusing on the negative and not the good. That isn’t it, I am enjoying the good, but the negatives are not being fixed. They are festering and growing and now they are leaving me feeling used!

No I don’t know where I go from here, I am just thankful. Thankful that in the midst of it all, God still hasn’t dropped me. He holds me in His hand and reminds me, “I have this, and my love is unfailing.” So I will hold on to that. Even while I see things escalating, he is on ebay and Craigslist pretty often looking at his “dream equipment” again, I will hold on to God’s love and the fact that HE has this.