Bait, hooks and healing

Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. 1 Peter 5:8 NIV

…and do not give the devil a foothold. Eph. 4:27 NIV

Today would have been eleven years. To be honest, this year I haven’t given it that much thought. There was a brief moment when I saw the anniversary post of his sister in law, “Oh, yeah, they got married a week before my anniversary.” That was it. This year there was no anniversary reaction. Even after getting a random “thinking about you” text last week,  I hadn’t given it more than a passing thought.

Life has been full, and incredibly crazy busy. My plate is full at work, at home, and in general. I have been striving to fulfill my goals and meet the obligations life has given me. So it truly was a WTH moment when I got the text last night. “I pray that you have an awesome day tomorrow (cool thanks), and celebrate in the joy of that day we share together it was a absolutely wonderful day I love you Kristal “[sic].

Okay, now I look at it and think, “way to punctuate”, but that wasn’t my first thought. Celebrate the joy of that day we share together? Really? We don’t share that day, we stopped sharing that day even before we separated, when he seemed less than enthused about us together. And really if he wanted to share that day things would not have ended the way they did; with him excluding me from his life and chasing other really young women. There would have never been the trauma of a confrontation with an enraged man informing me of my then husbands heinous and violent act upon another woman.

No, even with forgiveness and being prayerful, there is no more day we share together. Not one that we can celebrate. In the past that text would have sent my head in a million places, I would have been a mess. He was supposed to be ‘the one’. I walked into that marriage fully believing God had given me my forever. I had no clue how fake it all was. It was an illusion based on lies, half truths at best.

My mind did race a bit when I got the text. What was this really about? What is he trying to do? What is he thinking? How do I respond to this? Do I respond? I even considered calling a man to get a man’s perspective, but I didn’t, I prayed instead.

Turns out the best response is no response, even as I struggled to understand what he was doing. Then I remembered who he is, and I realized this was a hook and the bait was what was once a precious memory to me. It was a beautiful day, as weddings go it was marvelous. There were people I loved there, we had fun and I married who I believed was my forever. A year ago, this bait might have worked. I may have still been looking for that sense that something about that relationship was real.

Time, separation and lots of prayer and counsel has brought immense healing. I can’t be baited with the idea that he believes it was a wonderful day, because if he had truly believed that things would have been different all the way around. Not just the ending, but the middle would have been different. Healing brings an understanding of the narcissistic type thinking that controlled my life without my even realizing it. Time and prayer bring the understanding that to respond would be an invitation to bring that crazy back in.

Healing allows me to pray for him, to hope that he changes, to wish a good life rather than ill will. It also allows me to step beyond the magical thinking of “maybe he has changed and we can have it all back.” Healing has made me face the truth of what ‘it all’ really was, and honestly say “THAT was NOT good.” I may not have been the perfect wife (pretty damn good enabler though), I may have fallen into crazy patterns (crazy making does that to a person) but I was loving, and I was good. What happened was abusive; emotionally, spiritually, financially and yes, physically abusive.

I don’t have to wonder what the text was about. It is clear. The last statement of I love you is met with the harsh reality of, that’s not love, that is desire. Desire for something that is gone, something I somehow fed that made him feel good. Change comes with repentance and repentance with some sorrow. There was no sorrow in the text, this could have been a joyous day to celebrate, it should have been. That is gone.

Healthy not only says “do not go back”, but “don’t even crack open the door.”