Responsibility

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” Eleanor Roosevelt

The truth of this statement and the implications in my life. I can say I was not valued, but the truth is different. I was given the value I had allowed. My worth was always in my hands, I allowed myself to be treated with little value. More than allowed it, I condoned it. I condoned it by accepting things I should not have. I condoned it by not speaking truth and staying silent when I should not. I condoned it and participated.

Now I have to look at this honestly. I can either be the victim or allow God to work through me and change me. I can either continue to allow myself to be treated less than I deserve or say “no” to plans or ideas that do not reflect who I am in my Abba’s heart. Who I am learning I am.

I cannot say I am of value and expect to be treated that way if I am not proactive in my life and relationships. The truth is there are times when it is easy to fall backwards and accept less than if I am hurting and I want comfort. The truth is I accepted some things because I was somewhat comfortable. I had my little life, with the man I adored, my home, my dogs, my flower beds. But they were surrounded by a spirit of chaos and there was an underlying turmoil. Still it felt easier to stay and hope for God to change it all then to make the stand for behaving as God desires. Maybe I had grown accustomed to the chronic ache and didn’t not want to face a searing ripping pain.

It looked obedient, staying and praying. To a degree it was, until God said “Go”. There was disobedience in there as well. In accepting certain things, I was not living up to my position as a child of God. I also participated in allowing another person to not live that way. Yes, that was a choice he was making, but there was a level of participation that I am responsible for. I am responsible for my part.

In responsibility I have to take a stand. I have to stand and say “This is not okay. I will not choose to be a victim. I will not choose to have my self worth dictated by anyone other than God, regardless of who that other person is in my life. If you choose to live a life outside of your worth in God that is your choice. I have to answer for my choices, and I choose freedom and power. I choose to live in my worth.”

So sorry

The answers to why he behaved the way he did may be valid. Valid in that I am not a perfect person. The answer to feeling disrespected is not going outside the relationship. Healthy people say “Hey when you say this I feel this.” That is not what happened. Even in the now I am not hearing what I said.

I could use an example. I know that sometimes my words are not what they should be and may sound disrespectful. But if there is no example to what I said I cannot watch that, I can only be silent. Silence is not an option. Relationship requires communication and honesty.

It’s a choice. Communicate, fight it out, work it out, seek help together if necessary. Anything else is not fair to anyone. Not the first time. The last.

No longer will I be in relationship that requires me to worry that he will go outside the relationship if I am not living up to his needs and expectations. No longer will I be last in a long line of priorities. No longer will I live in reaction and fear. That is not loving. It is not loving to me or to the other person.

I am sorry for my reactions, my living in fear, and at times even my hopes that things would change (although I still hope for the best in any person). I am sorry that the reaction to my faults, or even perceived faults, was not to work on them with me. That was part of our covenant. I am sorry that instead he chose to look outside of our relationship, breaking the very covenant with the God he claimed, as well as with me.

I am sorry that he was unable to take the choice of looking to porn, spending and other women off the table as a coping mechanism. I am sorry that even NOW he can justify his behavior, albeit weakly. I stood by for a long time, and all the while did NOT seek someone or something outside our marriage.

I am not sorry that I am unwilling to accept that in my life anymore. I hear how he lost ‘everything’. And he did,I know that hurts, but the choices were his. I lost everything too, not my choice.

I think I need to get a grip

I work on the issues at hand, that is the wounds of my heart and becoming whole. I confess I looked at him to complete me, which no other person can do, especially not this one. As I pray and learn about the issues and my broken heart God reveals so much about myself. I draw closer to my Abba and accept who He is making me to be.

I learn and I understand the concept of symbiotic feelings, the feelings of need and dependency. I totally get the paradox of those feelings after abandonment. I get it because, as much as I hate it, I experience it. I cry over the fact that I dealt with chronic symbiotic issues in our relationship and had no idea. All I knew is I hurt, and every time he betrayed me I wanted him to love me more.

I can work through this as God sets the pace and learn to move forward. But I still get this ache in my heart as I look at these issues I am trying to heal and think of him. I think about his abandonment issues, I think about his grief, and I wish he would get healed. Not for me, although once upon a time it was for me, because I want our marriage to succeed.

I wish it for him, because it hurts my heart that he chooses to live in this vicious cycle rather than seek real healing. And maybe I hurt for him because I saw the issues, I knew the issues and I believed for his healing. I believed that it could happen and we could move forward in our marriage. We could have the dream.

I hurt because I know God can heal even the worst socio-path, narcissist or butt head there is. I know that I know that I know that the creator of the universe is capable. But He won’t force it on you, if you won’t truly surrender.

Surrender means transparency and that doesn’t happen. Surrender means not honesty about your self and your actions, not blaming, justifying or excusing. It makes me sad, because it’s a choice to live in that, and it’s a choice I know will hurt in the long run. And regardless of the circumstances this is a man I chose to love and I am sad that he has made this choice.

I want to respond

The text reads “I just thought you should know I love you.”
The words have always been I love you, the actions have been, let me rip your heart out.
The most recent words were “I will love you forever.” I think he may have gotten February and forever confused.

“I love you.” I want to respond.
I want to say why yes that explains the gaping wound in my heart, the ache of wanting that to be truth and knowing that it isn’t. It explains the Caitlyn Nunes Smith affair, the Ada Autrey draw, and the late night texts to Miss Audrey Jones that said how beautiful she was and that you could talk to her all night. The women whose names I don’t recall. You know them. It explains the flirting, the inappropriate friendships, the porn. I love you.

We were married, I meant forever. I believed being Mrs. David Frazier meant something. Now I have to look at the truth, and I don’t see it in your words.

The truth is I worked hard to make things work. I didn’t always do well, for too long I went along with pretending everything was okay, that your unfaithfulness was a slip and it was over. That doesn’t work for me, especially not over and over again. The truth is I am worthy of honesty, integrity, and faithfulness. I am worth the truth.

I was the one that should have been in the circle of intimacy, that you shared your life with. Not everyone else. I was the one that should have been a priority. Not Tori, who needed “work” done at her house, or who’s car broke down at two in the morning. I should have never come after your “friends”, or even your family.

I love you. That was a covenant, made with me and God. It was broken, I did not break it.

I love you, and as much as I want that to be true and be comforted by that I know that statement is going to hurt me if I do. I have a choice, I choose not to be hurt. I choose to be worthy of truth and faithfulness, integrity and to walk in this truth. I choose to say no to deception and walking into something that will cause me pain. I choose healing.

Texting

I know the rules. These men don’t change.
Still, somewhere in the depths of my heart I wanted to believe he could. I wanted to believe, yes, it could take a long time. I was never sure I could trust him again, but I wanted to.
I walked down the aisle thinking “This is it, he loves me, he loves the Lord. We are going to be a beautiful couple that glorifies and serves God.”
I knew we had issues. We both came with baggage.
I did not know that I would end up with a few good memories and a mangled heart.
I did not know that he would always choose someone or something over me. Right to the very very end.
He cried he was changing, he was right with God, he wanted to be the exemplary husband to love and honor and cherish me.
He texted her how I didn’t trust him, had his passwords, copied their conversations.
He didn’t tell her that he cheated and stole and liked porn. That it was recent and THAT is why I had the passwords. He didn’t tell her that he had lied to me about having ANY connection to her or conversations, and THAT is why I copied the conversations.
He texted me, come over be with me.
At the same time he texted her “you’re beautiful I could talk to you all night.”
And he didn’t see a problem with that.

The worst part? That brings out a crazy in me. I WANT him to see, to understand, how hurtful that is. How wrong it is (on both their parts, yes Miss Audrey Jones, you KNEW David Frazier was a married man and you crossed boundaries a Christian woman shouldn’t!). I hate that part of me. But the truth is she comes with him. To get rid of her I must completely let go.

Now? Seven years, gone. Tossed aside, without regrets by him at all. Big Crocodile tears to give to his next victim. Poor thing.
I had hoped deep in my heart their could be healing, and there will be for me.

Head versus Heart

The facts don’t change the pain.
I know in my head the man fits the criteria of a sociopath. In my heart I want to believe something else. I want to believe there is truth in there somewhere. In the midst of the lies, that maybe there is something that was true, somewhere he was real, somehow I was loved. Really in his heart, loved.
I know in my head that he manipulates and plays the victim. In my heart I want to believe that he sees the severity of his actions this time and will truly want to change.
I know in my head that being at all involved with him will hurt me in the end. In my heart, I want the closeness and intimacy that was occasionally offered, even though in my head I know that wasn’t real for him either.
I know in my head that anytime I set any sort of boundary with him it will be stepped on. Yet here is my heart, longing for him to understand and respect me.
I know that my heart is in pain because of the truth that I have seen firmly established. I know that God is leading me out of that pain into healing. I know that I don’t want to go there again. My heart wishes for a miracle, but it isn’t here right now, not in the way it wishes for it.
I know that my heart must listen to my head, and to what God is telling me and showing me. My heart must be protected, because enough damage has been done. I know that I need to stay out of harms way, and deal in truth.
My heart just longs for the truth to have been different. For what I had hoped for to have been real. And my heart aches, because I do love him.
I love him in that I truly believed he could be the man God intended. I love him in that I really do pray healing for him. I love him in that I must walk away and let him be who he has chosen to be, without the power to hurt or control me, without me to keep some sense of order in his otherwise chaotic life.
I love me enough to say no more. God loves me enough to hold me through that.

Truth Cannot be Avoided

One of the hardest issues for me, and possibly the one I have yet to grieve appropriately, is the loss of my companion, my friend. In my heart I have held out hope. I have hoped that at least I could have that.

I tried, I have been honest, I have been friendly. We have had coffee and talked. I hear all he says he is learning and how he wants to devote himself to being the husband I deserve. I listen, and remind him time will tell. He tells me how he is listening to God and relying on God and trying to become the man God wants him to be.

The problem with that is I am not dealing with the truth in this. I am not dealing with a person who has ever been honest, I am dealing with a person who has repeatedly parroted back the things he knows others want to hear. I am dealing with a man who knows what it is I want and has always been able to convince me of his lies.

I am dealing with a man who thinks he is dealing with the same woman he deceived and is trying all the same things that have worked in the past. I had hoped I wasn’t, but this week he revealed himself. Slowly at first but then in a way I couldn’t ignore.

It started with the “I love you, I miss you so much.” Valid, love you miss you too. Then it went to all the things he missed, parts of companionship and intimacy he knows I long for and miss…Except one thing, I don’t have those things because they were taken from me. He does not have them because he gave them away.

He gave them away without regard to me, He gave them away to satisfy his own desires and wants. He gave them away breaking his covenant with me and God while speaking all the things necessary to convince everyone around him he was this wonderful man devoted to God.

I set boundaries. There are certain things I can’t hear right now while I deal with my own issues and he deals with his. Things we needed healing on and we needed to take a step back and deal. Again, the I love you, the tears, the nothing will come between me and God, the whole ‘okay I will back off.’ Sounded good. Good words, but truth is more than words.

The text was actually an answer to prayer. Trying to get my homework done without internet, I was actually praying if I should accept his open invitation to come over and use his. “I think you should come over drink some wine have sex sleep together just to enjoy some time together oh yeah we’re backing off” (Run on sentence his).

I didn’t respond to that, except to ask if he was already drinking. Nope about to. So it isn’t even a drunk text, okay. I told him I was having internet issues, he texted he wasn’t and repeated the above offer.

Really? This changed man is not only going to step all over my boundaries again but do it in such a disrespectful way? As if I am just one of his girlfriends he can f*** and whatever? Uh, no.

Truth revealed. It hasn’t been long, nothing has changed and even trying to maintain a friendly connection is unhealthy. He is who he is, and that still is clearly not who he says he is. And that is how God answers my prayers, and says step away.

Because God IS Bigger than

There are days I get lost in grief and longing. I know the situation is so much bigger than I am, that is a given. Grief and anger are part of the process to acceptance, I can accept that. I am willing to walk through, it is just that some days as I hurt or am angry and feel so small I seem to lose focus of the most important thing in all of this. God is bigger, and He has a purpose and a plan.

When I get angry because he talks this talk, but shows no repentance, God is bigger than that. When I am sad because he won’t be honest and minimizes what has happened, God will still reveal truth and be glorified in my life.

The truth is all of these things matter, and they hurt. However, when I let my focus shift away from what God is doing in my life and has promised to continue to do I lose hope. Hope is essential. Not hope that my marriage will be reconciled, but the hope that is promised to me in Jesus. Hope that is eternal, the assurances that He will never leave me, that He cares more for me, that He has a hope and a future. I need to just keep focusing on Him and proclaiming all He is doing in me at this moment.

At this moment, He has carried me into a place of being safe. At this moment He is working on my heart and healing me because He cares for me. At this moment He has a plan, and I just need to ask for what I need, because He has promised.

This morning God gave me Philippians 1:12-21. Yes, I see him going through motions saying God this and God that. Yes, I know his motivation at the moment is ‘get her back’. Yes, I am in this for a reason. This morning I read what Paul said as he was in prison “I know what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance.” I am able to shift my focus, and be admonished to conduct myself in a manner that is worthy of the One who loves me most, trusting Him as I do what He calls me to. And this is a good place to be this morning.

Will I need reminding? Absolutely, possibly even as soon as breakfast. I trust though, that God is good, God is bigger than this. I trust that I will be delivered, and He will be glorified. I have hope.

I Hear the Words

I hear his words, he loves me, he misses me, he’s working on things.

My head hears those words. I have to remind myself of all the other times I have heard those words, and how they ended with him taking betrayal one step further each time. I have to listen and pray for discernment, because I want very much for those words to be true. In my desire for them to be true I can falter.

I can fall into the lie, that it is all better, that it will be better if I am there. That this time he really means it, and he chooses me. Not that he isn’t working on things, that he isn’t seeking God, that he doesn’t want to work on healing. Maybe he does, maybe he will. But no matter what will happen, I have to live in the truth of now.

The truth of now is he is still keeping secrets, that he is feeling desperate. The truth of now is he is not really choosing me, but trying to get me back. As if for some reason I should be there while he leads a life of duplicity and seeks his own pleasure.

The truth of now is, he says what he thinks will work, but then something else comes out of his mouth that reveals his heart. He is going through motions to impress, but then there is an action that reveals no real heart change. The truth of now is I am out on my own, without a space of my own, in uncertainty of anything but the fact that God has a plan for me and has promised to care for me.

The truth of now is not that he sees I am valuable, but that I am a commodity he is afraid to lose. I am a security that rescues him from his choices. And it breaks my heart because the truth is, I wasn’t perfect, I was too codependent with my efforts to keep some sense of balance in my life.

The truth is, I gave him parts of me that I never gave anyone else. I trusted him to treasure that as much as I had and he didn’t. He used me and kept me on the sidelines of his life, a spectator to a train wreck evidenced by the mangled pieces of my life left in its wake.

I hear the words, and I pray for a miracle. I pray for a miracle and live in the truth of right now.

Walking Wounded

It started out with so much pain. Now there are waves of anger and pain.
Last night was difficult. Anger. I am displaced because of choices he made. I was not his choice and, regardless of his claims of ‘working on our marriage’ and going to counseling, I am still not his choice. He can’t choose me, I know this, he can’t face truth and until that can happen he simply cannot choose me.
Years of blame, lies, and pain swirl through my head like a little twister not sure where to land. I want truth, I want him to be honest enough to acknowledge this is wrong and HE did this. I want the hurt and anger to go away. Just the lies from this last month, the ones that set the pendulum in motion, are huge. He can’t face them.
He denies the affair, he denies what he told me, he denies the truth when I present it to him so clearly that it is staring him in the face. As if denial will make it all go away.
And I don’t know how to work through this anger. When I start to something else comes up.
I listened to his denial last night, his offer that I could come home. He would stay in a separate room. Come home, to what? The same thing? I pray, I work through some of that and something new greets me. Today it was walking right into his girlfriend at Walmart.
I so rarely go to Walmart. I hate it there. Today I thought a quick trip, what I needed would probably be cheapest there and it was close to where I was heading. All is well, I run into a few familiar faces, ones that don’t know anything about my personal life, so personal questions are avoided. One last thing before I head out, around the corner, and there she is.
We’ve spoken, she told me some of the truth. Not all of it, she has a family and job she is trying to protect, but she is 23 and young enough to think she can fool me. There I am looking my betrayal in the face. in Walmart with her husband and children. And then there I am, lost again. Hurt, angry, lost. It’s not fair.
I know life isn’t fair. I know God is good. At this moment what I don’t know is HOW do I work through this? How do I process all of it, his betrayal, my part in it, my life where it is? How do I process and function and continue to move forward in those moments where I don’t even want to look at any of this anymore?