Responsibility

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” Eleanor Roosevelt

The truth of this statement and the implications in my life. I can say I was not valued, but the truth is different. I was given the value I had allowed. My worth was always in my hands, I allowed myself to be treated with little value. More than allowed it, I condoned it. I condoned it by accepting things I should not have. I condoned it by not speaking truth and staying silent when I should not. I condoned it and participated.

Now I have to look at this honestly. I can either be the victim or allow God to work through me and change me. I can either continue to allow myself to be treated less than I deserve or say “no” to plans or ideas that do not reflect who I am in my Abba’s heart. Who I am learning I am.

I cannot say I am of value and expect to be treated that way if I am not proactive in my life and relationships. The truth is there are times when it is easy to fall backwards and accept less than if I am hurting and I want comfort. The truth is I accepted some things because I was somewhat comfortable. I had my little life, with the man I adored, my home, my dogs, my flower beds. But they were surrounded by a spirit of chaos and there was an underlying turmoil. Still it felt easier to stay and hope for God to change it all then to make the stand for behaving as God desires. Maybe I had grown accustomed to the chronic ache and didn’t not want to face a searing ripping pain.

It looked obedient, staying and praying. To a degree it was, until God said “Go”. There was disobedience in there as well. In accepting certain things, I was not living up to my position as a child of God. I also participated in allowing another person to not live that way. Yes, that was a choice he was making, but there was a level of participation that I am responsible for. I am responsible for my part.

In responsibility I have to take a stand. I have to stand and say “This is not okay. I will not choose to be a victim. I will not choose to have my self worth dictated by anyone other than God, regardless of who that other person is in my life. If you choose to live a life outside of your worth in God that is your choice. I have to answer for my choices, and I choose freedom and power. I choose to live in my worth.”

So sorry

The answers to why he behaved the way he did may be valid. Valid in that I am not a perfect person. The answer to feeling disrespected is not going outside the relationship. Healthy people say “Hey when you say this I feel this.” That is not what happened. Even in the now I am not hearing what I said.

I could use an example. I know that sometimes my words are not what they should be and may sound disrespectful. But if there is no example to what I said I cannot watch that, I can only be silent. Silence is not an option. Relationship requires communication and honesty.

It’s a choice. Communicate, fight it out, work it out, seek help together if necessary. Anything else is not fair to anyone. Not the first time. The last.

No longer will I be in relationship that requires me to worry that he will go outside the relationship if I am not living up to his needs and expectations. No longer will I be last in a long line of priorities. No longer will I live in reaction and fear. That is not loving. It is not loving to me or to the other person.

I am sorry for my reactions, my living in fear, and at times even my hopes that things would change (although I still hope for the best in any person). I am sorry that the reaction to my faults, or even perceived faults, was not to work on them with me. That was part of our covenant. I am sorry that instead he chose to look outside of our relationship, breaking the very covenant with the God he claimed, as well as with me.

I am sorry that he was unable to take the choice of looking to porn, spending and other women off the table as a coping mechanism. I am sorry that even NOW he can justify his behavior, albeit weakly. I stood by for a long time, and all the while did NOT seek someone or something outside our marriage.

I am not sorry that I am unwilling to accept that in my life anymore. I hear how he lost ‘everything’. And he did,I know that hurts, but the choices were his. I lost everything too, not my choice.

I think I need to get a grip

I work on the issues at hand, that is the wounds of my heart and becoming whole. I confess I looked at him to complete me, which no other person can do, especially not this one. As I pray and learn about the issues and my broken heart God reveals so much about myself. I draw closer to my Abba and accept who He is making me to be.

I learn and I understand the concept of symbiotic feelings, the feelings of need and dependency. I totally get the paradox of those feelings after abandonment. I get it because, as much as I hate it, I experience it. I cry over the fact that I dealt with chronic symbiotic issues in our relationship and had no idea. All I knew is I hurt, and every time he betrayed me I wanted him to love me more.

I can work through this as God sets the pace and learn to move forward. But I still get this ache in my heart as I look at these issues I am trying to heal and think of him. I think about his abandonment issues, I think about his grief, and I wish he would get healed. Not for me, although once upon a time it was for me, because I want our marriage to succeed.

I wish it for him, because it hurts my heart that he chooses to live in this vicious cycle rather than seek real healing. And maybe I hurt for him because I saw the issues, I knew the issues and I believed for his healing. I believed that it could happen and we could move forward in our marriage. We could have the dream.

I hurt because I know God can heal even the worst socio-path, narcissist or butt head there is. I know that I know that I know that the creator of the universe is capable. But He won’t force it on you, if you won’t truly surrender.

Surrender means transparency and that doesn’t happen. Surrender means not honesty about your self and your actions, not blaming, justifying or excusing. It makes me sad, because it’s a choice to live in that, and it’s a choice I know will hurt in the long run. And regardless of the circumstances this is a man I chose to love and I am sad that he has made this choice.

Abandonment

I work through the loss and some days it seems to hit harder than others. The one thing I can say without doubt is I want freedom and healing. Freedom from the fear that kept me in a place that was painful. Fear of losing the love of my life, fear of not being enough, fear of not being loved. Fear that actually was not in line with my beliefs, it was actually creating a pattern of behavior that was sin. I don’t like that. Not that it makes God love me any less, not at all. He loved me before, He loved me through, and He loves me now. But that I put so much value on a person who would betray me repeatedly. placing him in a higher position than God. He was my golden calf.

Truth helps, a lot. And the truth is I am of great value. The truth is he has moved on, the truth sucks a little. But maybe is better for me in the long run. The truth sets you free, and in freedom I can find healing.
I began reading a book and found this…
“(abandoners) might experience a heightened sense of self-importance when the one they leave behind seems so desperate to have them back. In the light of the other person’s pain, these folks usually don’t admit to feelings of triumph. Instead they air the more humble feelings, like the guilt they feel over having caused you pain. They are usually easily distracted from this guilt as they get caught up in their new lives with greater gusto than before. “(Susan Anderson CSW, The Journey from Abandonment to Healing, 2000, Berkely Books, NY)
Knowing truth about what I held so highly helps. The truth is he has moved on. And I am holding on to the truth that I am worthy. I am worthy of real love, security, faithfulness, integrity and honesty.
Let the healing begin.