Magical thinking

Be careful little eyes what you see
Its the second glance that ties your hands
As darkness pulls the strings…
…Be careful little ears what you hear
When flattering leads to compromises
The end is always near

Be careful little lips what you say
For empty words and promises
Leave broken hearts astray

Its a slow fade
When you give yourself away
Its a slow fade
When black and white are turned to gray

And thoughts invade, choices are made
A price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day

The journey from your mind to your hands
Is shorter than you’re thinking
Be careful if you think you stand
You just might be sinking

Its a slow fade
When you give yourself away
Its a slow fade
When black and white are turned to gray

And thoughts invade, choices are made
A price will be paid
When you give yourself away

People never crumble in a day
Daddies never crumble in a day
Families never crumble in a day
It’s a slow fade
Casting Crowns Slow Fade Lyrics by John Mark Hall

The irony is the slow fade was mine. He was who he was, and I chose not to see. I chose to hear his promises of never again, and apply magical thinking, often masked as grace and faith. As if this time the promises he made would be true, even though the past and present evidence was to the contrary.
Magical thinking led to eventually accepting blame. Desperate to change, afraid to lose what I didn’t really have in the first place and believing I was failing my marriage and God. I faded. Slowly. And it hurts.
The pain is a reminder not to fall back into magical thinking. The pain stands as a testimony to the truth that I denied for years. It’s there to stop me when that magical thinking starts to creep back up on me. My head screams you aren’t showing much grace! But the truth is grace is not believing a lie, or forgiving the one who hurts you and putting yourself back in the path of destruction. That is magical thinking, and it kills.
Grace is forgiving the person, even loving them, and stepping out of God’s way and letting him deal with the person. Grace frees you from the trap of magical thinking, because grace lives in the truth and puts your faith back in God. Grace offers forgiveness, mercy covers consequences, but even in the midst of grace there are times God lets you walk through the consequences of your choices.
Magical thinking puts your faith in the wrong thing, or on the wrong person. Faith may be “confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see (Hebrews 11:1)”, misplaced faith is tragic. And that is where my slow fade began. I may have thought I was having faith that God would change him (and He could!), the repeated evidence was that he would not surrender to God for change. The truth is, my magical thinking was faith that he would change and surrender.
Magical thinking isn’t grace or faith, it also ends up being meddling masked as mercy. In my magical thinking, I began to try to orchestrate the outcome, removing any natural consequences from his sin. I wanted him to love and cherish me, and I lost my focus on the One in charge who does. And that is where the slow fade began.
The fade didn’t begin with his objectifying women, lying, cheating and stealing. It began with me, my fears, my loss of focus and I have to face that.I listened to the flattering words, and I compromised. Now I have to choose to step out of that, casting away any magical thinking for the truth. I have to choose real grace, the right faith and His mercy.

Holding the keys

Healing, I think I had hoped that the waves and the sand would bring instant healing. That my heart would no longer have those moments of aching which make me want to rip it from my chest and yell “move on!” I had hoped the ocean air would bring clarity to everything and I would have such clear direction that tomorrow wouldn’t begin with a question mark.

It didn’t happen like that. I checked into the hotel room, dropped my stuff, walked into the bathroom and my heart cried. On December 20, 2013 I know what he was doing, it wasn’t in this bathroom, just the same chain, different town. It was where it all ended, because they were caught. I had already cried much of the trip over, so the tears did not catch me by surprise.

Moving on I realized that places and events will happen, how much they trigger me is going to have to be up to me. It was time to move on, reclaim my life, my heart and my places. Walking the beach with my dog, talking to God I realized this. My heart cried again as I realized I had shared everything with this person, and he had shared nothing with me. Nothing real, nothing substantial. I had completely welcomed him into my life, embraced him as a partner, and left exhausted. Partners must share and be willing to share. Partners look out for each other, wanting the best for each other.

It had been almost four years since I walked this beach with him. The last thing he ever did for me or us (but somehow it was really about him) was our fourth anniversary. Now my safe place had memories of him, and the ache of broken dreams. Walking, looking for my stones that I inexplicably must collect when I am on the beach, I realized I needed to take my safe places back. So that’s what we did, God and I with my dog happily bounding off through the surf after birds and then back to me with that goofy look of “See, I protected you from that monster!”

With mindfulness of the moment I went to my favorite beaches. Each one bringing back a memory, bittersweet with how happy I had been with him mixed with the reality of his choices. I ate at the restaurant where we had our dinner, alone. I stopped at the little shops I love, and was drawn to do something new as well. A wine shop had opened since I had been there with him and the wine tasting sign drew me in. With two bottles of wine to take home I finally landed back at the hotel.

The following morning before the beach I prayed again for clarity and healing. I am still wanting it all now, I am tired of my heart aching, but that is not how it comes. I get what feels like small portions, but God is faithful in that He always speaks to my heart. This time was no different, God spoke, even if it wasn’t what I wanted or expected.

My expectations though were what Abba addressed. The resurfacing anger that I have had and the expectations they are attached to were set before me, and I saw how they imprison me. Not that what I want is wrong, it isn’t. I want him to be real, to present the truth completely. To say “I did this to her, not the other way around. I did this to her and then tried to place the blame on her in your eyes.” Righteously, he should do this. He was supposed to present me as Christ presented the church, blameless. Instead he placed his sin directly and me and made me the bad guy.

Not that I was perfect, but I was working on our marriage. I was trying to be a partner with someone who chose not to share his life with me at all. I tried to be part of his life! I want that acknowledgment, but holding on to that is like staying in a dank and cramped prison cell while holding the keys. This was the clarity I received, not what I was expecting or hoping for. No bright lights and immediate freedom, just a shift and realization that I have to use the keys and let go.