Grief and Joy

My birthday weekend. Dinners, movies, laughter in the company of people I love and who love me. Insights into my real age (it seems I added a year last year), and being able to look back and see how far my Abba has brought me, tenderly carrying me through. It is good.

Suddenly unexpected and heart wrenching grief.As if my heart is in a vise and the only outlet for the pain is tears. I hurt, I hurt for the loss of the last year, for what should have been. What should have been and isn’t, maybe never really was. I miss the person I wanted to be with always, and I hurt for him. And the grief has taken me by surprise, washed over me suddenly out of nowhere. I am sad. In the midst of the joy that I have been given and the tears won’t stop.

It seems contradictory that in the middle of incredible blessing, growth and love I hurt and grieve. In the middle of knowing I am loved by others, and that my God is always with me I suddenly feel alone. It seems impossible to celebrate where I am and grieve at the same time. Seems impossible, but I will not lose my joy and I refuse to not acknowledge my grief.

I have walked so far, the pain that overtook me at this time last year seemed to have passed. God has blessed me, I am in a good place physically, spiritually and emotionally until this moment. This moment emotionally hurts.

I don’t miss feeling as if a very limb had been torn from my body, I don’t want to feel that again. I don’t miss feeling shattered and lost and unable to put myself together. I do still miss the idea of my partner. I do still long to see him whole and healed and happy, even without me. And now I suppose I need to finish grieving the loss of the us, or the idea of what us should have been.

I say good bye.

Good bye to the old dream that was carelessly broken.

Good bye to the hurt of betrayal, and the idea that my questions of why will ever really be answered. Or that they really even need to be.

Good bye to the loss of a life I thought was supposed to work. A life built on untruths can never work.

Good bye to unhealthy expectations and love with fear. Especially good bye to fear.

Good bye to this last horrible painful, gut wrenching, growing, gloriously blessed and yet very scary year.

And I say hello.

Hello to God’s plan for me. I am certain it is bigger than I can dream.

Hello to healing and knowing I am worthy and so are others. Regardless of our shortcomings.

Hello to the life that is ahead of me, bigger than I can imagine.

Hello to learning to love and be vulnerable with honesty and trust in God so there is no reason for fear.

Hello to whatever adventure and blessing God has in store for this next year wrapped in love.