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Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. 1 Peter 5:8 NIV
…and do not give the devil a foothold. Eph. 4:27 NIV
Today would have been eleven years. To be honest, this year I haven’t given it that much thought. There was a brief moment when I saw the anniversary post of his sister in law, “Oh, yeah, they got married a week before my anniversary.” That was it. This year there was no anniversary reaction. Even after getting a random “thinking about you” text last week, I hadn’t given it more than a passing thought.
Life has been full, and incredibly crazy busy. My plate is full at work, at home, and in general. I have been striving to fulfill my goals and meet the obligations life has given me. So it truly was a WTH moment when I got the text last night. “I pray that you have an awesome day tomorrow (cool thanks), and celebrate in the joy of that day we share together it was a absolutely wonderful day I love you Kristal “[sic].
Okay, now I look at it and think, “way to punctuate”, but that wasn’t my first thought. Celebrate the joy of that day we share together? Really? We don’t share that day, we stopped sharing that day even before we separated, when he seemed less than enthused about us together. And really if he wanted to share that day things would not have ended the way they did; with him excluding me from his life and chasing other really young women. There would have never been the trauma of a confrontation with an enraged man informing me of my then husbands heinous and violent act upon another woman.
No, even with forgiveness and being prayerful, there is no more day we share together. Not one that we can celebrate. In the past that text would have sent my head in a million places, I would have been a mess. He was supposed to be ‘the one’. I walked into that marriage fully believing God had given me my forever. I had no clue how fake it all was. It was an illusion based on lies, half truths at best.
My mind did race a bit when I got the text. What was this really about? What is he trying to do? What is he thinking? How do I respond to this? Do I respond? I even considered calling a man to get a man’s perspective, but I didn’t, I prayed instead.
Turns out the best response is no response, even as I struggled to understand what he was doing. Then I remembered who he is, and I realized this was a hook and the bait was what was once a precious memory to me. It was a beautiful day, as weddings go it was marvelous. There were people I loved there, we had fun and I married who I believed was my forever. A year ago, this bait might have worked. I may have still been looking for that sense that something about that relationship was real.
Time, separation and lots of prayer and counsel has brought immense healing. I can’t be baited with the idea that he believes it was a wonderful day, because if he had truly believed that things would have been different all the way around. Not just the ending, but the middle would have been different. Healing brings an understanding of the narcissistic type thinking that controlled my life without my even realizing it. Time and prayer bring the understanding that to respond would be an invitation to bring that crazy back in.
Healing allows me to pray for him, to hope that he changes, to wish a good life rather than ill will. It also allows me to step beyond the magical thinking of “maybe he has changed and we can have it all back.” Healing has made me face the truth of what ‘it all’ really was, and honestly say “THAT was NOT good.” I may not have been the perfect wife (pretty damn good enabler though), I may have fallen into crazy patterns (crazy making does that to a person) but I was loving, and I was good. What happened was abusive; emotionally, spiritually, financially and yes, physically abusive.
I don’t have to wonder what the text was about. It is clear. The last statement of I love you is met with the harsh reality of, that’s not love, that is desire. Desire for something that is gone, something I somehow fed that made him feel good. Change comes with repentance and repentance with some sorrow. There was no sorrow in the text, this could have been a joyous day to celebrate, it should have been. That is gone.
Healthy not only says “do not go back”, but “don’t even crack open the door.”
My birthday weekend. Dinners, movies, laughter in the company of people I love and who love me. Insights into my real age (it seems I added a year last year), and being able to look back and see how far my Abba has brought me, tenderly carrying me through. It is good.
Suddenly unexpected and heart wrenching grief.As if my heart is in a vise and the only outlet for the pain is tears. I hurt, I hurt for the loss of the last year, for what should have been. What should have been and isn’t, maybe never really was. I miss the person I wanted to be with always, and I hurt for him. And the grief has taken me by surprise, washed over me suddenly out of nowhere. I am sad. In the midst of the joy that I have been given and the tears won’t stop.
It seems contradictory that in the middle of incredible blessing, growth and love I hurt and grieve. In the middle of knowing I am loved by others, and that my God is always with me I suddenly feel alone. It seems impossible to celebrate where I am and grieve at the same time. Seems impossible, but I will not lose my joy and I refuse to not acknowledge my grief.
I have walked so far, the pain that overtook me at this time last year seemed to have passed. God has blessed me, I am in a good place physically, spiritually and emotionally until this moment. This moment emotionally hurts.
I don’t miss feeling as if a very limb had been torn from my body, I don’t want to feel that again. I don’t miss feeling shattered and lost and unable to put myself together. I do still miss the idea of my partner. I do still long to see him whole and healed and happy, even without me. And now I suppose I need to finish grieving the loss of the us, or the idea of what us should have been.
I say good bye.
Good bye to the old dream that was carelessly broken.
Good bye to the hurt of betrayal, and the idea that my questions of why will ever really be answered. Or that they really even need to be.
Good bye to the loss of a life I thought was supposed to work. A life built on untruths can never work.
Good bye to unhealthy expectations and love with fear. Especially good bye to fear.
Good bye to this last horrible painful, gut wrenching, growing, gloriously blessed and yet very scary year.
And I say hello.
Hello to God’s plan for me. I am certain it is bigger than I can dream.
Hello to healing and knowing I am worthy and so are others. Regardless of our shortcomings.
Hello to the life that is ahead of me, bigger than I can imagine.
Hello to learning to love and be vulnerable with honesty and trust in God so there is no reason for fear.
Hello to whatever adventure and blessing God has in store for this next year wrapped in love.
Deceived, again. Unnecessary deception, flattery to my face deception in the heart. Psa 12:2 (KJV) — They speak vanity every one with his neighbour: with flattering lips and with a double heart do they speak.
Unnecessary and hurtful.
I am cautious and prayerful in all of this. I hear the words “I love you, only you. You are it, I am not looking anywhere else”, I will accept them at face value, with caution. In the past this is all it would have taken, in the past I would have said all is forgotten and I am all yours. That was the past. And in the past, the truth about the dating sites would have been revealed and I would have accepted blame and been devastated. The past is over.
When confronted with the truth of the choice I hear “It’s not that simple.” But yes it is. It is not simple to carry out, sometimes making the right choice takes more effort, requires overcoming fear, but it is as simple as a choice. The choice is do I trust God and what He says or do I try to maintain control by deceiving?
Still I am called by God to love, to forgive. The question becomes “Father, what does love look like in this situation? Loving makes me vulnerable, love expects the best of a person. What does this relationship look like Lord?”
I struggle with this. My answer is always ‘adios amigos’. I don’t deal well with pain, and people who bring pain have to go. Far away preferably. From the time God removed me from the middle of his chaos I have been called to love still, not to return, but to maintain love. I don’t always do it well, if I lose focus on God unhealthy behaviors and poor boundaries emerge.
The answer the Father gives me is “Love sees the best in the other person, even when they give you their worst. Love is the part of discernment that says ‘I know what you have to give, even though you won’t give it’. Love offers grace and mercy in the midst of deception. It is NOT accepting lies and deception, it IS saying ‘I CHOOSE to love you even from the distance you created in our relationship’. It is how I have loved you.”
I picture His love for His children, for me. He loved me long before I surrendered to Him, He loved me through my struggle to surrender. His love for me didn’t change because of my sin, my relationship to Him did. My sin separated me from intimacy, but He never stopped loving.
Deception has already changed the relationship, God removed me and made very clear to me that my heart belonged to Him. I have continued loving, and will. This does not mean “accepting” deception, as I have done in the past. It means accepting the person and honoring their choices. Deception is a choice that goes against building relationship. Proverbs 26:24 says “Enemies disguise themselves with their lips, but in their hearts they harbor deceit.” It is a choice to be separate from people and God in your heart.
I can love a person, but if that person is being purposefully deceitful God will not let me give them my heart. It belongs to Him. The deception hurts me, absolutely. Sadly it also hurts God and the one doing the deceiving. My heart hurts for this. And love says I forgive and pray for the deceiver to see this.
The now is I know who I am and who I belong to. And I am happy there, I am loved and cared for by a God who calls me His own and will not drop me. I can say “I will not live with your deception” and be okay. I can love and pray from where ever my Abba places me. My Abba loves me and purposefully removed me from the lies and deception. They simply cannot be part of my walk. I cannot be an involved party that watches and enables the lies and deception, they hurt me, they hurt God and they hurt the deceiver.
I will not dishonor God by pretending that those choices are alright, that you can live a deceitful life and serve God and love me. That isn’t truth
My prayer is for…truth. Change
I have read a lot about the narcissists, sociopaths, sex addicts, etc. I look at it and I see a lot of power given to them. Maybe too much power. There is a lot of truth to what I read, but I just feel like too much power and authority has been given to them.
The truth is this,they are not okay, their minds are messed up, but they do NOT have power. There is no power in manipulating and lying to keep control. There is no power in feeding on the insecurities of another to keep them around. That is not power, that is a weakness. It is an illusion of power.
It is a weakness that says “I have no real control, I have no power, I have to manufacture it and I will prey on your weakness to do so.” Honestly, I don’t know that it is even a conscious choice for some, it is just “what they do”. They learned it somewhere, something happened that it was wired into their brain. There is no power in giving in to that kind of base behavior.
They may have some sort of power over their victims, but it isn’t true power. Power is in the truth, power is in making a choice to do what is right rather than live by selfish desire. The truth is, the ‘victims’ have the power, it just has to be exercised.
The one who wields the power is the one who CHOSE to love. The one who chose to hope for the best, pray for the best and see something redemptive in the unloving and unlovely. THAT is power.
Now, if the one who is choosing to lie, cheat, steal and manipulate choose to continue despite being loved they can gain a sense of power. But the one who loves can maintain their power, they can choose to say “No more”.
No more manipulation, no more accepting the blame for the behavior, no more keeping the secrets. And that is powerful, because that is love in action. That is love that says to the abuser/abandoner “You are worth more than this, and so am I. As long as you choose to live in this frame of mind you are going to have to be on your own.”
Power is in the hands of the one who chooses to forgive and move on.
Power can be given to the one who chooses to live in deception, but real power comes from being able to pick up the broken pieces, hand them and the other person to God and say “Here, you fix this” and move forward.
Be careful little eyes what you see
Its the second glance that ties your hands
As darkness pulls the strings…
…Be careful little ears what you hear
When flattering leads to compromises
The end is always near
Be careful little lips what you say
For empty words and promises
Leave broken hearts astray
Its a slow fade
When you give yourself away
Its a slow fade
When black and white are turned to gray
And thoughts invade, choices are made
A price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
The journey from your mind to your hands
Is shorter than you’re thinking
Be careful if you think you stand
You just might be sinking
Its a slow fade
When you give yourself away
Its a slow fade
When black and white are turned to gray
And thoughts invade, choices are made
A price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
Daddies never crumble in a day
Families never crumble in a day
It’s a slow fade
Casting Crowns Slow Fade Lyrics by John Mark Hall
The irony is the slow fade was mine. He was who he was, and I chose not to see. I chose to hear his promises of never again, and apply magical thinking, often masked as grace and faith. As if this time the promises he made would be true, even though the past and present evidence was to the contrary.
Magical thinking led to eventually accepting blame. Desperate to change, afraid to lose what I didn’t really have in the first place and believing I was failing my marriage and God. I faded. Slowly. And it hurts.
The pain is a reminder not to fall back into magical thinking. The pain stands as a testimony to the truth that I denied for years. It’s there to stop me when that magical thinking starts to creep back up on me. My head screams you aren’t showing much grace! But the truth is grace is not believing a lie, or forgiving the one who hurts you and putting yourself back in the path of destruction. That is magical thinking, and it kills.
Grace is forgiving the person, even loving them, and stepping out of God’s way and letting him deal with the person. Grace frees you from the trap of magical thinking, because grace lives in the truth and puts your faith back in God. Grace offers forgiveness, mercy covers consequences, but even in the midst of grace there are times God lets you walk through the consequences of your choices.
Magical thinking puts your faith in the wrong thing, or on the wrong person. Faith may be “confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see (Hebrews 11:1)”, misplaced faith is tragic. And that is where my slow fade began. I may have thought I was having faith that God would change him (and He could!), the repeated evidence was that he would not surrender to God for change. The truth is, my magical thinking was faith that he would change and surrender.
Magical thinking isn’t grace or faith, it also ends up being meddling masked as mercy. In my magical thinking, I began to try to orchestrate the outcome, removing any natural consequences from his sin. I wanted him to love and cherish me, and I lost my focus on the One in charge who does. And that is where the slow fade began.
The fade didn’t begin with his objectifying women, lying, cheating and stealing. It began with me, my fears, my loss of focus and I have to face that.I listened to the flattering words, and I compromised. Now I have to choose to step out of that, casting away any magical thinking for the truth. I have to choose real grace, the right faith and His mercy.
Healing, I think I had hoped that the waves and the sand would bring instant healing. That my heart would no longer have those moments of aching which make me want to rip it from my chest and yell “move on!” I had hoped the ocean air would bring clarity to everything and I would have such clear direction that tomorrow wouldn’t begin with a question mark.
It didn’t happen like that. I checked into the hotel room, dropped my stuff, walked into the bathroom and my heart cried. On December 20, 2013 I know what he was doing, it wasn’t in this bathroom, just the same chain, different town. It was where it all ended, because they were caught. I had already cried much of the trip over, so the tears did not catch me by surprise.
Moving on I realized that places and events will happen, how much they trigger me is going to have to be up to me. It was time to move on, reclaim my life, my heart and my places. Walking the beach with my dog, talking to God I realized this. My heart cried again as I realized I had shared everything with this person, and he had shared nothing with me. Nothing real, nothing substantial. I had completely welcomed him into my life, embraced him as a partner, and left exhausted. Partners must share and be willing to share. Partners look out for each other, wanting the best for each other.
It had been almost four years since I walked this beach with him. The last thing he ever did for me or us (but somehow it was really about him) was our fourth anniversary. Now my safe place had memories of him, and the ache of broken dreams. Walking, looking for my stones that I inexplicably must collect when I am on the beach, I realized I needed to take my safe places back. So that’s what we did, God and I with my dog happily bounding off through the surf after birds and then back to me with that goofy look of “See, I protected you from that monster!”
With mindfulness of the moment I went to my favorite beaches. Each one bringing back a memory, bittersweet with how happy I had been with him mixed with the reality of his choices. I ate at the restaurant where we had our dinner, alone. I stopped at the little shops I love, and was drawn to do something new as well. A wine shop had opened since I had been there with him and the wine tasting sign drew me in. With two bottles of wine to take home I finally landed back at the hotel.
The following morning before the beach I prayed again for clarity and healing. I am still wanting it all now, I am tired of my heart aching, but that is not how it comes. I get what feels like small portions, but God is faithful in that He always speaks to my heart. This time was no different, God spoke, even if it wasn’t what I wanted or expected.
My expectations though were what Abba addressed. The resurfacing anger that I have had and the expectations they are attached to were set before me, and I saw how they imprison me. Not that what I want is wrong, it isn’t. I want him to be real, to present the truth completely. To say “I did this to her, not the other way around. I did this to her and then tried to place the blame on her in your eyes.” Righteously, he should do this. He was supposed to present me as Christ presented the church, blameless. Instead he placed his sin directly and me and made me the bad guy.
Not that I was perfect, but I was working on our marriage. I was trying to be a partner with someone who chose not to share his life with me at all. I tried to be part of his life! I want that acknowledgment, but holding on to that is like staying in a dank and cramped prison cell while holding the keys. This was the clarity I received, not what I was expecting or hoping for. No bright lights and immediate freedom, just a shift and realization that I have to use the keys and let go.
Four months and one day. That is how long it took until the morning that I woke up and realized I was going to be okay. That is how long it took until the pain of what felt like losing a limb subsided. Four months and one day.
Four months of loss, shock and numbness, grief, anger, denial. Mixed emotions, an overwhelming sadness that came at the most inopportune times. Four months of trying to do what was best in my life while somewhere in the back of my head hoped this was only a bad dream. Four months of wondering how I was supposed to put my life back together when I no longer had any idea of what it was supposed to look like.
Four months, and one day I woke up and realized I was alive, I was okay. I am not where I want to be, but I am in a very good place. Four months and one day it took me to realize that what I had was not at all what I want, that I am worth so much more. To be able to look back and see the truth.
The truth is he is gone. He was gone long before I left. The truth is I am here, content with where God has me and confident that God is going to take me where I need to be. The truth is I am healing, and I realize that loving someone doesn’t mean putting up with the bullshit.
The bullshit has been big. It has been lies, stealing and cheating. It has been me keeping secrets and taking the blame. Thinking if only I could change he would love me, cherish me. It has been me being the least important thing in his life when I should have been more. It has been hearing things like “You WANT me to cheat and watch porn”. (Yes, because that is what every wife wants to see happen). And even into the last four months.
“I have always loved you.” Interesting statement. I am pretty sure that when you love someone the above is not what happens.
“I only did _fill in the blank_ because you…” The latest was when he said I spent my child support (I didn’t, I just didn’t give him full access to it for obvious reasons) and that undermined everything he was working for. He was chasing one girl and having an affair with another. Sorry to have undermined that.
“I want to be with you.” Oh, well, yeah, you WERE with me and you wanted everything else. Now that my proximity has changed you want to be with me?
“I want to work things out, but it’s not just up to me.” True. It isn’t just up to him. And that statement takes the responsibility for a failed relationship right off his shoulders right? No. But nice try.
Four months and ONE day. To the day. Waking up to a new freedom, freedom from being responsible for his choices. Freedom to make choices that are best for my life. Freedom to realize I am totally worth more, and that I can offer more knowing that. Freedom to pray for him without wondering if he is going to break my heart again. Freedom to lean into God as my all in all.
I have no doubt that there is still much in me to work out, that there will still be moments that I will look over and realize he is gone with a sort of sadness. That is to be expected when so much of me was invested in him. But ONE day I will look back from somewhere beautiful and say “It’s all good, look what God did. He had me the entire time.”
“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” Eleanor Roosevelt
The truth of this statement and the implications in my life. I can say I was not valued, but the truth is different. I was given the value I had allowed. My worth was always in my hands, I allowed myself to be treated with little value. More than allowed it, I condoned it. I condoned it by accepting things I should not have. I condoned it by not speaking truth and staying silent when I should not. I condoned it and participated.
Now I have to look at this honestly. I can either be the victim or allow God to work through me and change me. I can either continue to allow myself to be treated less than I deserve or say “no” to plans or ideas that do not reflect who I am in my Abba’s heart. Who I am learning I am.
I cannot say I am of value and expect to be treated that way if I am not proactive in my life and relationships. The truth is there are times when it is easy to fall backwards and accept less than if I am hurting and I want comfort. The truth is I accepted some things because I was somewhat comfortable. I had my little life, with the man I adored, my home, my dogs, my flower beds. But they were surrounded by a spirit of chaos and there was an underlying turmoil. Still it felt easier to stay and hope for God to change it all then to make the stand for behaving as God desires. Maybe I had grown accustomed to the chronic ache and didn’t not want to face a searing ripping pain.
It looked obedient, staying and praying. To a degree it was, until God said “Go”. There was disobedience in there as well. In accepting certain things, I was not living up to my position as a child of God. I also participated in allowing another person to not live that way. Yes, that was a choice he was making, but there was a level of participation that I am responsible for. I am responsible for my part.
In responsibility I have to take a stand. I have to stand and say “This is not okay. I will not choose to be a victim. I will not choose to have my self worth dictated by anyone other than God, regardless of who that other person is in my life. If you choose to live a life outside of your worth in God that is your choice. I have to answer for my choices, and I choose freedom and power. I choose to live in my worth.”
An intimate Journey 